Analysis of a potentially disastrous (but hypothetical) situation. Dedicated to James...

Analysis of a potentially disastrous (hypothetical, but realistic in it's potential for occurance) Situation
By: Esther O'Neal, hopeful candidate for employment as Information and Intelligence Analyst for the CIA, FBI, and NSA
Dedicated to James, the Ninja Extraordinairre, Numero Uno, and quasi-big brother who doesn't want to drive long ways-es (plural of ways?)

The situation: A man falls overboard and doesn't know how to swim
Analysis of potential outcome:
If a man can not swim and falls overboard and is not helped, he will likely drown. This puts him at risk of
1. dying
2. Then being eaten by
a. Vicious sharks
b. Killer Attack Tuna
3. Having his clothing and other personal belongings stolen and donned by a squid

At this point, the AHJ (authority having jurisdiction) would need to issue a statement/APB stating the following:
Please be on the lookout for a squid dressed in a sailor's uniform. This squid should be apprehended and brought in forquestioning to the nearest law enforcement office as it may have information regarding the unlawful disposal of a dead body, as well as the theft of personal belongings of the prementioned deceased. However, please be aware that this Squid should be approached handled with much caution. It is a confused, crossdressing, landwalking, schitzophrenic squid having a species crisis. Squid with these particular issues may become violent and maniacal at any time...

If the squid is not found, the AHJ would quite possibly need to consider requesting mobilization of some sort of anti-terror unit, National Gaurd, Reserves, SWAT, and assistance from other agencies in the locale, and the AHJ may need to consider the use of NIMS and ICS.
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I know I know, this analysis proves how absolutely brilliant I am. I'm hoping to be hired with the CIA, FBI, and NSA, simultaneously, drawing large paychecks from all three, earning prestige, and winning the Nobel Peace Prize, a pulitzer, and any other recognition that may come along. I would even be willing to consider serving as a member of the Cabinet (the president's cabinet, not the one in my mother's kitchen) and an advisor to the Joint Chiefs of Staff of the US Military.