No regrets?

My first post on this blog. Yay me, I officially welcome myself to the world of Blogspot.

Anyways. I've been thinking quite a bit lately, to put it mildly. Seems like I think all the time. Something is always running through my head. It's been a really long year, and a really rough year. One thing in particular has been on my mind lately and that is the theme of having no regrets. Once upon a time that was my pholosophy. No mattter what happens I won't look back and say "I wish I had done that differently" or "I wish I could change that" or "I wish that hadn't happened". No matter what, no matter how bad things were, there had to be some purpose for it all and who was I to say that everything that happens now isn't to prepare me for something on down the road, who am I to think I know best and to try to change things? Well.. I have a different opinion now. I currently have ONE regret in life... his name is Mathew and he broke my heart 5 1/2 months ago. He gave me two of the happiest months of my life (what life I've lived so far, not that I'm that old), and since then has caused me more pain than I can describe. The two don't balance out, the happiness and the hurt. In a way I think it would be easier if he had just died instead of things turning out how they did. Why? If he had died at least the happy memories could give me joy. They don't though. They just bring me more pain b/c I don't know what was real and what wasn't and the memories of the good stuff is tainted with the betrayal, and every time I think of a "good memory" my heart hurts a little (or a lot, it varies from time to time) because it reminds me of everything that's happened and the fact that I was so deceived and that I am not a part of his life anymore, and he's not a part of mine, when I thought we'd make a life together forever. What he did was wrong on so many levels and I wish it would just go away. If I could go back and change one thing in my life, it would be to erase everything pf him from my past, to never have met him and to never have even known he existed.

This whole ordeal has taught me plenty of lessons though... one of them being that when I make a decision or let someone be part of my life, I need to stop and think about whether or not I will regret that to the extent of wanting to erase them from my past.